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| Directed by Mic Rodgers; Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Michael Jai White, Bill Goldberg, Heidi Schanz, Xander Berkeley, Justin Lazard, Kiana Tom, Daniel von Bargen, James Black, Karis Paige Bryant, and Brent Hinkley |
I must admit that I have one of the worst memories when it comes to action films. I could name off every Oscar winner for the six major categories, the directors of hundreds of film, cinematographers of note, pivotal silent films, but my memory never seems to stick with me when it comes to a “dumb” action film. The adjective there is not completely meant to point towards the feeling about the film (though that is generally my feelings towards action films of that type) but that is actually the type of genre of the films where the film can be so dumb that it is fun for some people. The reason my memory on these films is important in a review of Universal Soldier: The Return is that I truthfully cannot remember much about the original Universal Soldier. In fact the only things that I could have really remembered before seeing the sequel were that it starred Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren and it was about dead soldiers becoming the ultimate fighting machines. Before seeing the second chapter in the Universal Soldier story (fourth if you want to get technical [long story; check your video store]), I did not go on any big search on information about the original that I would need for this since I decided that the makers of the film should know very well that no one really remembers stuff from the original and that the entire backstory would be attached to this. I was right.
While the straight-to-video Universal Soldier 2: Brothers in Arms picked up right where the original ended, this one is instead six years later and acts as if numbers two and three never happened (much like Halloween: H20 forgetting the third through the sixth Halloween). Once again the cyborgs go crazy, but this time it is because the super-genius computer SETH (White) has decided that it is now time to take over the UniSol project and take command of the weaponry stationed in the projects headquarters. The only problem is that for SETH to be able to stay on-line without the help of technicians he must retrieve a code before eight hours is up. Only two people know the code: the founder of the project who SETH kills early on and an ex-UniSol (Van Damme) that has become a regular person with a child. As the race begins to get Van Damme and the code, we are subjected to many explosions and many broken necks and shot-up bodies.
The film is violent, though nothing like Michael Mann’s Heat, more in the line of Terminator. It is actually only about an hour and a half in length, but I would have sworn that it was the length of Beloved. Directed with as much abandon as that of Michael Bay, Universal Soldier: The Return is a waste of time and money. I doubt that the film will be some great money maker, nor will it see any Oscar nominations awaiting it in February. Loud and boring, the film is pretty bad and a safe bet for worse of the year so far.
So did it make the film worse having not remembered much from the original? I doubt it, I could not see me ever liking the film anymore than I do (or should that be “don’t”?).
